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Ever wondered why your romantic relationships start well, but then begin to suck the life out of you?

Social media holds the answer - but not in the way you might think.

Tech critic Cory Doctorow writes about the 'enshitification' of online platforms.

Enshitification is a 3-stage process whereby websites and apps gradually get worse over time.

First, attracting users with cheap or free services (e.g. social media). Second, attracting businesses to sell to those users (e.g. advertisers). And third, squeezing both parties to maximise profits (e.g. intrusive ads which cost and arm and a leg).

But this isn't by accident. It's a Venus Fly Trap strategy. Because once the relationships and habits exist, the platform becomes wired into culture and routine. Then it's just 'how we do things around here'.

This got me thinking about relationships.

I've had a number of romantic relationships which started out great. All sweet texts, excited Friday night plans, and oxytocin-stimulating encounters for 3 to 6 months. Then life and differences would get in the way. And then things would become toxic or stale. Or both.

So I ask… can the Enshitification Process be applied to relationships? Let's see.

Stage 1: Mutual Investment:

Both parties make effort to be attractive to one another. There's little resistance and lots of benefit-of-the-doubt. An eagerness to follow rupture with repair. Both putting their best foot forward. Exploring the new connection and willing to create new habits. In essence, they choose each other. And choose to build and nurture the relationship.

Stage 2: Mutual Lock-In:

Bonding deepens as both become more invested. They're no longer autonomous, single agents. It's a partnership where one affects the other. This can create a sense of belonging, safety, and mutual support. But also stress from fear of loss, responsibility, and differing wants, needs, and values. All whilst the novelty and romance of the honeymoon glow begins to wear off, and real life is kicking in: work, family, friends, and general day-to-day adulting. For better or worse, there's dependency. Relational weight. And opting out would mean more than just an "it's me, not you" text.

Stage 3: Mutual Leeching:

Mundanity becomes the norm. What was once cute is now annoying. Problems are ignored or avoided, but rarely resolved together. The previously appreciated is now taken for granted; even expected. On some level, there's an awareness (a belief) the other won't leave; hence there's less reason to try. Both still have their needs, but try to get them met without giving back. Growing dissatisfaction can lead to looking outside for fulfilment; temptation via work, vices, or other potential lovers. Neither want to stay in as things are, but don't see a way out either. So in place of love and reciprocity grows resentment fortified by entitlement.

Now, arguably this can play out one-sidedly. Say, if one is the breadwinner, or another is more emotionally invested. And I've had a number of clients over the years hint at a milder version with, "we just live in the same house now", "it's like we're only housemates". But I'd guess the underlying mechanism of apathy, fear, and entitlement still run the game in many cases.

I also wonder if Stage 3 rests on a foundation of 'comfortable misery'. Where it's painful, difficult, or demoralising - but not quite enough to leave. A version of the Sunk Cost Fallacy, if you will. Whereby the fear of losing what's already been invested is higher than the perceived gains of leaving. Both either too scared (or arrogant) to commit to the uncomfortable decision to either show up differently, or walk away.

Where are you coasting unhappily, no longer fully invested, but avoiding the difficult decision to either knuckle-down or move on?

Relationship problems? Cognitive Hypnotherapy and Counselling in Leighton Buzzard can help you. Get in touch or book a session with me.